The Bishie Killer
by Kijo Asuka
Summary: A bishounen-focused serial killer terrifies and infuriates fangirls and the employees of Yumi's House of Bishie as miscellaneous characters band together to stop him; and as several prominent bishies are threatened. AU. Many fandoms. Crack. Also, Kagome is a cop.
1. Higurashi the Cop

**Fix'd. **This chapter has been revised and mainly re-written from the original "The Bishie Killer", which has been deleted. Originally published October 2008.

I don't own Kagome from _Inuyasha._ I don't own Matt from _Death Note._

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><p><strong>Higurashi the Cop<strong>

I approached the fancy, elaborate building. It was gigantic. It was tall. It was magnificent. The exterior was shining white, the walls crafted from perfectly square marble bricks. I entered through the glistening clear glass doors, bordered by a gilded flowery design. I was now in the lobby. Bright, sunny lights concealed the cherry-tree polished wood floors, the old-fashioned parlor chairs, the exquisite paintings of attractive males. A lone ship in the vast sea of polished floors and furniture and ornaments floated in the center. It was a deeply polished, shining black desk. The desk was as effective as a fine mirror at reflecting faces. I walked to it, preparing to speak with the receptionist.

"Welcome to Yumi's House of Bishie. How may I help you?", the red-headed receptionist asked me. Sitting at the fine desk on a hanging, swinging maraschino-cherry red beanbag, she wore a minimal amount of make-up, the majority of it being her striking black lipstick, which matched the desk well.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Kagome Higurashi, from the Police department. The police chief sent me to speak with Ms. Yumi Watanabe. It's urgent.", I stammered. I was out of my humbly-decorated element.

Seeming anxious, she inquired: "Does this urgent matter concern the safety of the bishounen?".

"Yes.", I soundly replied. She rapidly bit her lip, causing a few teeth to get black from the lipstick, and typed a few things into her keyboard. I felt the need to tell her about her blackened teeth, but couldn't bring myself to say anything.

"What is the code?" She asked me, sounding seriously worried. Her eyes had widened. I started to feel bad for her.

"Code... red." Her eyes shot WAY open, impossibly open. I started to fear for the safety of her eyeballs. She quickly typed at the speed of light; and then stood, giving me an excellent view of the uniform of Yumi's House of Bishie: a white dress, short, very nurse-like. Complete with ridiculously high red heels.

"Miss Higurashi. I am Amy, and I will to take you directly to Miss Yumi.", she said. Stepping away from her monstrous desk after pressing something that caused the light to dim almost to the point of darkness, and the door to lock automatically with a click, she implored me to follow her. She began walking toward a hallway in the back, after unlocking a giant red door with a dainty key. Her walking turned into exasperated, awkward running as soon as I stepped foot in the hallway.

The hallway was long and narrow; at the end of which was a wrought-iron staircase and two massive shiny black doors that flanked it. Amy headed up the stairs, and I followed. On the second floor was an elevator and more fancy decorative things, this time in neutral colors. I didn't have time to look closely at the doors near the elevator, because as soon as the door opened, Amy pulled me in and hit the "penthouse" button. As the elevator rose, I collected my thoughts and prepared to give them the tragic news. The elevator opened directly into what appeared to be Ms. Watanabe's grand office suite. The office was smaller than the available space on the floor. The office walls were seamlessly tiled in black marble, and gilded oak behemoth of a desk dominated the area. All of the décor was gold and black and cream. The walls were lined with paintings of several bishounen her company managed. The floors were a heavy-duty office carpet in a light cream color. The wall at the very back of her spacious office had a huge oak door in the very center.

The woman I'd come to see was perched on an ornate throne-chair before her massive desk. She spoke into a cream-and-gold old-fashioned telephone. "My dear sweet Deidara, why won't you come for the photo shoot? You do have a contract with us, you know. It is our mission to sell the fangirls acceptable pictures of you." The woman paused, apparently listening to this 'Deidara'. She was clothed in what looked like an expensive gold designer gown. A black, glamorous feather boa was draped on her shoulders and neck. Her Marcel-waved bob had the smallest hint of gray at the temples, and her lips were redder than blood oranges. "Deidara, I know you are busy, I know you are on tour with some other Akatsuki bishies, but you have a contract with me, and the contract dictates that you need to do at least 3 photo shoots for me during each tour you take that wasn't arranged by my company. I do not care if the company who's paying for your tour told you not to come to the photo shoots. You have a contract... If you continue to insist breaking it, I will have to take 34 billion dollars from your account.". Suddenly, she stood: "Deidara! I do not give a damn if _Los Buenos_ pays you more. They are a direct competitor of mine. You have a contract with _me_. _Los Buenos _mostly carries low-rate bishies, and regular men at that. They're a god-damned glorified host club! My company is superior! We carry the best!", she paused again, to hear what Deidara was saying. "Very well, Deidara! You leave me no choice! You owe me 34 billion! See you in court, you **LOW RATE attractive male**!", she violently slammed the old-fashioned corded phone down, causing my ears to ring.

She turned her attention to us. "WHAT are YOU doing here, AMY? You are not allowed in this office without my permission!", Ms. Watanabe screeched, as she quickly seated herself on her fancy chair.

"I-It's an emergency, Ms. Watanabe.", at that the woman's face went from anger to anxiety. Amy went on: "It's a-a c-code... red... This is Miss Higurashi from the police.". Ms. Watanabe nodded. She gestured that Amy leave. Amy quickly walked to the elevator, waited for it to open, and boarded, and left. The important woman turned to me.

"Miss, I take it that the following information is confidential?", I nodded. She reached into a drawer on her gigantic desk, pulled out a cell phone and typed something in. An steel door feel over the elevator doors. No one would be able to leave or enter. I began to feel uneasy. She extended her arm toward toward a black coffee table and two creamy loveseats near the giant oak door, and stood. I followed her there, taking a seat opposite her. She sighed, almost ran a hand through her hair, thought better of it, and massaged her forehead instead. I tensed up. She spoke: "What is the issue?".

"Well, you see... this is about the death, er, passing away of a bishounen.", I mumbled quietly. Ms. Watanabe turned gray.

"If the death had been accidental or just happened, I would have been notified by now, and several memorial services would've been announced by my company for the fangirls to honor the memory of the deceased. That's not the case.", she sighed. "Did one of my bishies commit suicide?", she asked sadly.

I hung my head a bit, "No. We have extremely good reason to suspect that he was murdered.". Ms. Watanabe trembled.

"Who... who was killed?", her voice was saturated with sadness as she asked this, although her face remained stoic.

"Matt... we found his body and a detailed note from the murderer.", I said softly.

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><p>Cliffhanger. Tell me how much you hate the ending of this chapter in a review? :}D<p>

Thank you for reading! The next chapter will be fix'd and put up soon.


	2. Security & Prevention Center YHB

Woo. This chapter was radically changed from the original TBK chapter 2. Enjoy~

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sesshomaru of Inuyasha**

**The other characters are mine, js.**

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><p>"Eiko, Biko, Shiko. I have a new assignment for you.", three heads turned toward the origin of the voice. The heads held the exact same haircut, the exact same glasses, and the exact same make up. The face shapes and features were different, of course. They all wore the same psuedo-law enforcement outfit in black. "Another photograph got through the censors. Sesshomaru is quite nauseous because of it. I'll need you three to pick it up from his guard." With a nod, they departed.<p>

The origin of the voice was a woman with obvious crow's feet on her face and gray hair with weird patches of different colored grays. Her face was kindly but her expression was irritated. "Those damn fangirls," she muttered, "making my life complicated.". She began to rummage through some drawers on her worn, cheap desk. As she shuffled through the contents, her simple office phone rang. She reached for the dial pad and pressed the speaker button.

"Emily, it's Amy, main receptionist at Yumi's House of Bishie, I've been asked to call and request that you immediately head for the "usual place". By Ms. Watanabe...", quickly spurted Amy.

She sighed, "I'll be right there."; and stood, hanging up the phone, grabbing the coat which had been haphazardly draped upon her cheap office chair and exiting the gigantic cubicle-hell labeled "Security & Prevention Center YHB; Moss, Leif, & Watanabe".

Upon arriving at the upscale bar, slipping past the beefy bouncer, the chatty hoards of fangirls over the drinking age and the additional security in the back; she entered a plainly-doored room marked "Employees Only" and plopped down on the only wooden bench across from Yumi: who'd hastily changed into an unassuming tracksuit. "'sup,", she asked as she knocked on the door and yelled for "James" to bring her some vodka.

"Emily, this isn't a casual meeting.", Keith explained. He sat next to her in a sleek, expensive suit. He was in his thirties, at least 20 years younger than her; they were coworkers.

"Shut up, Leafy, you don't have to deal with the same amount of shit I do. I'm aggravated and tired and a shot really would make my life easier right now.", she exclaimed. "James" opened the door and handed her a glass and a bottle. She nodded at the garishly dressed James and began to open the bottle.

"Emily, put it down please. This is a serious ma–", Keith began.

"'James', toss in another glass.", Yumi yelled as she crossed her arms. "Keith, this _is_ a serious matter, but Emily is stressed and she needs something in her system for the effects my news is going to bring about." 'James' opened the door, reached out, and slid a glass at Yumi. "As you both know, keeping my bishies secure is difficult, and jarring, but you guys try the best to keep them well and comfortable despite the sheer numbers of insane fangirls. I'd like to inform the two of you that a bishie of ours has been murdered by a third party. And that, since I received no word from either of you, it appears as though the city's police force were the first to find the body.", she announced.

"Damn it. Fuck damn it.", Emily stuttered. Keith's face turned to chalk.

"Was he one of mine...?", he inquired nervously.

"No. He was one of my nephew's. He's overseas right now, so it's always possible–"

"Yumi, I warned you that it was a bad idea to have your heir direct a portion of the ranks of boyguards. Now I'm even more fucking swamped since the rest of this mess will naturally be my responsibility.", Emily declared as she chugged down a round.

"I now see how right you were. I've already removed him from his SPC responsibilities. Keith, you're in charge of all guards now.". Emily temporarily shined while Keith grimaced.

"Yumi, you're aware of how much more work that is. I can't handle that."

"It's fine, Keith. Along with the transfer of power, I granted individual guards more control over security than ever before in my years in this business. With most bishies watched over by seasoned guards, it shouldn't cause any problems."

"You have yet to address how _I'm_ going to deal with this, Yumi. I suppose you want me to investigate? You want me to find the murderer/cause of death? I'm busy. I'm swamped." Emily ran a hand through her hair, exasperated.

"The police chief will deal with that. I've striked a deal. New patrol cars and computers for them and we get their complete cooperation. What I'm going to need from you is your three top agents to work independently to verify whatever they find."

Emily sighed, "That's a relief, but my best three? I really can't afford even one of my mediocre agents at this point. You know how times are."

"Emily, please. To appease your previous requests I've tightened security _everywhere_ and opened more funds for your department. I really can't take another death. I really can't deal with even the death of one of my own, much less more if the murderer goes after more."

"Alright. But I hope that you see now that fangirls aren't as harmless and simple-minded as you believed them to be–" as Emily puffed herself up to begin a speech on the evils of fangirls, Keith spoke up.

"Yumi, how are you going to break the news? This is more important, Emily, than preaching."

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><p>Next chapter will actually move the story forward you guys, I promise. ;3<p>

Please, please, please review. I like reviews. I like feedback.

Thanks for reading.

~Kijo Asuka


	3. Revelation at the Club

**I made good use of my crack pipe for this chapter. It's been over a year since my *revised* update and eons since my original final update for this fic. I've decided to continue it as a sort of warm-up before my other writing, lol. I know this has been OC heavy, but it's crack and it's okay.**

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><p>Across the dingy table, Yumi sighed before speaking: "I don't know. I was hoping you two could help me with that," Emily blanched and Keith's head sunk into the table. Suddenly, "James" knocked on the door before sticking his head inside, muttering something about a Higurashi Cop. Yumi's face froze, and she snapped her attention at the rainbowtastic bartender, nodding quicky in a stiff manner.<p>

A long-haired female entered, dressed simply in a white robelike thing and red pants. Keith inwardly blanched at her outfit, looking up from his position over the table. Emily regarded her with suspicion- Emily regarded everything with suspicion. "And who is this?", she finally asked- haughty and rude.

Yumi straightened: "This is the chief of police,"

"You can't be serious. She looks like another good for nothing fangirl. I've arrested countless tarts dressed just like her around Inuyasha's AND Sesshomaru's mansions." Emily plucked a pair of handcuffs from a pocket, ready.

"Actually, Miss Watanabe, I'm the reincarnation of the chief of police... "

"She's clearly full of shit," Emily stated as she slung a handcuff over one of Kagome's wrists.

"No, I swear! Kikyo is the chief, and I'm more of the assistant now that's she's back."

"Where is she back from? I swear, I'm busting my ass arresting fangirls and the fucking chief prances around on vacation..." Keith muttered, angry.

"No! She was dead– you see Naraku– " Yumi waved the end of her sentence, and spoke:

"Either way, guys, she's the one who found dear Matt's cold body,"

"You have your damned nephew to thank for that," Emily said, crossing her arms. Yumi shot her a look. "What? He wasn't one of mine; I don't care."

"The fangirls will riot, Emily. They. Will. Riot. They'll scream and cry and kill themselves in droves or destroy property or even hit up my own headquarters and carve their undying love for Matt all over my expensive walls or write "IN LOVING MEMORY OF MATT" in blood across my polished windows. They'll stalk my other bishies feverishly, moreso than now and make finding the culprit harder." Yumi stated, bordering on annoyed.

"Or they'll find the killer themselves in the name of their DEAR, SWEET Matt and off the culprit for us," Emily finished, smug.

"Can I just tell you about Matt already?" Kagome cut in, impatient. Yumi nodded. Emily glared. Keith shrugged.

"I was doing a favor for Kikyo: she'd been getting anonymous tips that your Matt was embroiled in a lot of drugs and other stuff like that, and she only wanted me to check on him. I went to his mansion and found that there was no security posted next to the fence's gate and periodically around the fence. I walked past the gate and somehow slipped past the throng of screaming fangirls throwing their undergarments at Matt's house and proclaiming their endless love for him. There wasn't any security around to restrain any of them, either. I didn't even try the front door: everyone on the police force knows they're reinforced with three feet of concrete, two inches of solid lead, and another foot of steel for protection. I walked around to the back and found it was nearly deserted back there. I picked the lock of the back door and entered. The house was nice, but it wasn't anywhere near a top of the line Bishie's house. I wrote this down after I took some pictures as a possible motive or trigger for Matt to turn to drugs before walked up the stairs. I heard noise coming from the room closest to the landing, so I opened it to check. Your security was playing a drinking game based on the different colors of the underwear that hit that room's window. They asked me who I was, so I flashed them my badge. They went back to their Bacardi 151 and I shut the door on them. I continued through the second floor before I found the master bedroom. I opened the door slowly, in case Matt was doing something gross, but I opened it fully only to find Matt stewing in a puddle of his own blood in the middle of the room, at the foot of the bed." Kagome stopped before she got the the description of _how_ Matt managed to bleed so much at Yumi's sudden piercing sobs. Emily was rolling her eyes and Keith looked nauseated.

After a good twenty minutes, Yumi calmed down- although her makeup was now dripping down her face in an unappealing manner. Taking a deep breath, she began: "Emily, send me your three best at once so they can further interview Miss Higurashi. I can't sit through another minute of this and I'm due to sign a few new bishies to YHB in two hours.

"They're probably back at SPC headquarters by now."

"Miss Higurashi, would you please accompany Miss Moss to my SPC HQ?" Yumi asked, polite.

"SPC?", Kagome looked confused.

"Security & Prevention Center." Emily explained as though she were stupid.

"We still never decided on what to do about the fangirls and Matt's death," Keith reminded. Yumi cursed several things as her mind raced. Suddenly, her cell phone rang. Glancing at the caller ID, she answered.

"Yu, I am so upset with you right now I don't even think I KNOW the words to express my anger." a pause. "I know you're busy, but you're a fucking PARTNER at my SPC and one of YOUR bishies JUST DIED because of your resounding INCOMPETENCE. NOW I AM DEALING WITH A POTENTIAL DISTASTER WITH THOSE DAMN FANGIRLS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T WHIP YOUR AGENTS INTO LINE." another pause. "DON'T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT YOUNG MAN– I HAVE A RELIABLE SOURCE STATING YOUR PEOPLE WERE DRINKING BACARDI SOON AFTER MY BISHIE'S DEATH. IF THAT'S NOT INCOMPETENCE I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS." Yumi's brow furrowed into itself in her white-hot rage at her nephew. "I didn't even find out from SPC that someone died, THE FUCKING COPS HAD TO SEND SOMEONE TO SEE ME PERSONALLY RIGHT AFTER I LET DEIDARA GO. Do you know how much that stung? DO YOU FUCKING KNOW–" Yumi suddenly hung up on her nephew. She cleared her throat and took another shot of vodka.

"My dipshit of a nephew is going to figure out the death announcement and all other preparations. I hope he figures that out soon, because I didn't tell him so. And if he doesn't figure it out, I'm crossing him out from my will and as my heir to YHB." Emily nodded, satisfied. She suddenly rose and tugged on Kagome's cuffs, leading her presumably to the SPC HQ. Yumi righted her makeup as Keith rubbed circles on his temples.

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><p><strong>If anyone is reading this, feel free to suggest stuff for the future. I know where things are cracktastically going, but suggestions are fantastic. I'll use all of them. All and any suggestions. ;D<strong>


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